Hmmm…
It has been awhile since I have taken the time to sit and blog. There have been plenty of blog-worthy events, but I just haven’t felt like writing about it all. There was a crazy weekend in Indy with B that had boys, beads, beer, and almost some boxing. There were boring days made interesting with superhero sagas. There have been girls nights with revelations. But at the end of the day, I was just living life and nothing seemed to significant to me. I was tired about blogging about the mundane and ordinary.
So why am I writing now? Has there been some crazy, life-altering event? No…there hasn’t, but I felt like I needed to write, so that is what I am doing.
I have started taking the necessary steps that I need to take to accomplish some things in life. I am trying to move forward. I might be making wrong decisions, but my heart is in the right place. Its hard for me to write about what is going on inside of my head right now without giving too much detail, and I am afraid too much detail could lead to just a big mess.
Long story short, I am moving on with life. I have hurt people, and I have gotten hurt in the process, but it is happening. The world is moving on and I decided not to sit around and watch it pass by, I grabbed a bag and I am going with it. I don’t want to hurt people, and I am putting up walls slowly but surely to insure my own feelings will not bring me down. I am doing what I have to do to survive in this life. It is a cruel world, but I am making the best of it. I might not always make the most positive of decisions, but I am finally living for me.
Yes, I left a little piece of me when I got up and started moving, but I had to do it. Now if everything else in my life would pack up and follow suit I might make it out of this mess we call life alive.
…I feel like I always end with something slightly witty, but today, I have nothing cheesy to end with…
Lucky I am not an elephant
So by this point if you have been reading my blogs, its obvious, I am a typical girl. I have responsibilities that are hard, boys that are stupid, and friends that are amazing. Not too extraordinary of a life that I am living. I don’t write to make anyone think otherwise. It really is just a nice little therapy session for me every few days, and if people can find entertainment in it, then excellent.
Ok, now that I have the disclaimer out that I am an average girl, I feel like it is completely acceptable to get all emotional over stupid things for a few minutes, but of course, not without giving you a funny back story first.
So yesterday I decided it was time to get Mirena…awesome, right? No babies for five years unless I decide I want one. For a single mother, this is so stinkin great. Well it was great until it actually came down to the process.
So I called and set up my appointment, and sorry if this grosses anyone out or offends anyone, but you have to be “on your cycle” to have it put in place. It is a big long thing about ensuring that you aren’t currently preggo. Anyway, gross idea, but I thought what the hell? I was sure the doctors have seen much much worse things.
So I go in for my appointment, and I am not a shy cookie when it comes to asking questions. So I really just asked if I was supposed to take out my tampon before the doctor came in or not. I didn’t realize how embarrassing it sounded until after I said it. So anyway, I am already mortified by the time the doctor comes in. Of course he was an older man with this southern accent that made me feel like he was trying to seduce me while he was holding this giant device that he was about to shove into my cervix. Not really a fun situation to be in…
So I will spare you all the horrible details, but I will tell you this…it was painful. It was like birthing a child, only backward. I felt very violated afterward. So what is the point in me telling you all this? Well, you see, thats how my day started, quite horribly, and it also lets you know that all of a sudden I was being pumped with 5 years worth of hormones…not exciting…at all.
So my day went on and life was fine…emotional, but ok. I spent the day doing B’s hair and just having fun planning a little day trip for Friday to go to Indianapolis to see L and M. Not so bad.
Well, then shit hit the fan. We won’t go into detail, but here is where I am going to turn in to the typical girl…
I needed someone to talk to. Honestly, thats pretty hard to come by these days. Having someone you feel like you can actually be honest and yourself with that you trust enough to be there and give you the right advice and to not just brush it under the rug or go tell everyone your problems. So who do I think of? Why J of course. Well you see, I am not really contacting him these days. Trying to lay off for a bit and get our relationship into the “friend” zone and away from the “Friends that are wayyyy to friendly when they have been drinking” zone.
So anyway, I ended up going completely off on an old friend, which actually felt kinda good because really he needed someone to just fly of the handle with him and put him in his place. Then I sat and cried like a little baby in front of my computer.
I came to a realization though. I realized, it isn’t always losing someone that you are still very much in love with that breaks your heart. I mean, yea, I have a broken heart from that too, but sometimes its the people that you love that you really can’t lose that can tear your heart into pieces too without ever really meaning to. Its times like that when you need a friend, someone to count on, and you won’t always have it.
So moral of the story…elephants can die of a broken heart…so I am lucky I am not an elephant. I have to depend on myself even in the toughest times, and I can’t really do that if I am dead…right?? So yea, I guess life goes on, I just have to decide if it is going to go on with or without me…and well…I kinda like to go on trips, so life better get ready, because I am tagging along for the ride.
Two in one day…
Yup thats me, the over achiever…or excellent procrastinator, however you want to look at it is fine with me. I realized after posting my earlier blog, that all I did was rant about things and I didn’t even write about the things that I had wanted to write about. I do that way too often. I go off on some tangent and never come full circle with it. Anyway, thats what blog number 2 for the day is for! Here I am going to come full circle and write about the strange happenings in my day.
I woke up and had the strangest revelation that I think I could have had in the first two minutes of functioning for my day. I realized, without looking at my phone or a calender, that it is in fact the 21st of the month. I then realized exactly six months ago I was the happiest girl in the entire world. This was the day that T made me his girlfriend officially and we spent the night together and had a great time together and talked about anything and everything and it was just completely where I wanted to be. And if we are going to be honest here, its where I would love to still be, but I am not. Then came part two of this revelation…I realized exactly when he decided he was going to leave, and why. And oddly enough, I felt very serene about the whole thing. I for the first time since we broke up didn’t feel at odds with everything, and I had all of the answers I needed. It may sound strange, but I don’t doubt any of this at all. Unfortunately, I still can’t change any of it, but for now I actually feel like that is ok.
Anyway, after starting my day off in that peculiar way, it only got more strange from there. I slowly started to recall dreams that I had had. As the day progressed, I realized those dreams, though not quite as extreme, were actually happening today. It freaked me out to be honest.
My first dream was about my older sister. I dreamed she ran away and nobody could find her. I went looking for her and came across a young boy. I asked him if he had seen a girl that looked just like me and he said yes he knew where she was. He then told me the things that I needed to say to her to make her brave enough to come back with me. I found her where the boy said she would be, hiding in a tree, and said what he had instructed and she came home with me.
I couldn’t shake the feeling of being worried about my sister so I got on facebook to send her a message to let her know that I was thinking about her. I then found that she was scared about today, and she was nervous. It is her daughters first day of physical therapy because she isn’t using her legs or putting weight on them at all. I sent her a message to say that I had been thinking about both of them…but it was a less extreme version of my dream. She was in need of guidance and she was scared and wanted to hide, and needed someone to be there for her. It was strange to think I would have dreamed of her without knowing any of this.
So then I was really weirded out. I had also recalled a dream in which my ex boyfriend from years ago…we will call him J was having problems with his girlfriend, we will call her C. C was mad at J for some reason, and she was going to run away to South Carolina. He came to me for advice and I had to tell him that she wasn’t meant for him, that something in Carolina was going to take her from him. It wasn’t necessarily some other man or anything like that, but something was going to make her mad enough to leave forever and nothing he did was going to bring her back, and I had to tell J that.
So this is when I really got the creeps. J got ahold of me today and told me of a situation that he had over the weekend that he still hadn’t told C about. He didn’t think it was a big deal because he didn’t do anything wrong. Me, being a girl, and having gone through the same situation with J when we were together, only he did do wrong that time, had to tell him that he should have already talked to C about it. Granted, I don’t think the situation is big enough that she is going to run away to another state and leave him forever, but I do think that it is going to cause some trust issues between them.
I was two for two with my dreams last night. It makes me nervous to sleep again. I don’t want everything I dream to come true, but then again, some of my dreams I wish would…
Anyway, moral of the story…today has been a very strange day.
Just call me Cinderella
Ok so I know I play a lot of roles in my life. I am a mother, a daughter, a friend, a sister, I am sure I am someone’s enemy. I am a lot of different things, but I don’t know when and how I turned into Cinderella.
At least Cinderella had a fairy godmother and lots of little animals to help her and everything ended up great in the end for her. So I guess there is still some hope for me after all.
Anyway, this is the story…
I am temporarily staying with my parents. Everything started out all fine and dandy, not a big deal. Somewhere to stay to save some money while I am going to school. Awesome. Somewhere things started going completely wrong.
I know its childish to sit and complain, but I literally woke up today to find a list of chores on the counter that I don’t think 5 people could get accomplished if thats all they did all day long. And I am expected to do this with a thousand things on my mind, a whole boat load of school work, and my daughter to take care of.
Now I know, I am sitting here typing away in anger about all of this, and I could be using my time wisely in order to just get it all done. I am sure somehow I will manage. But I found it necessary to let all of you know, that yes, I am indeed losing my sanity. So if my life seems crazy, its because I am…and this time, it really isn’t my fault…lol
An evil day that most want to drop a napalm on…
Yes, I am going to do it. I am going to blog about my Valentine’s Day.
Most time I think of Valentine’s and I get bitter and resentful and basically hate anything and everything to do with it. I have never had an amazing experience on that day. I feel like people tend to put it up on a pedestal and expectations are never reached. It is impossible.
Well this year was no different than any other. I was especially bitter because me and my ex had just had a big fight on Saturday and I knew it would be completely unreasonable to ask him if he wanted to hang out, even if we are still friends. I really did not want to be alone, but I knew it was going to be inevitable.
So I went to bed Sunday night dreading waking up in the morning to the horrific day. My phone rang and woke me up (not a fun way to start the day). It was my friend asking me if I wanted to go on a run. Ok, now, I know I told her I wanted to start running, but really…waking me up early on the worst day of the year to ask me if I want to go and get my ass kicked??? All I wanted was a cheesecake.
(Ok for the sake of having names, but still staying slightly anonymous, I am totally going to copy Gossip Girl here and start calling people letters…lol)
So K convinced me to get up and get going. I had forgotten to write out all the Valentine’s for my daughters party at school so I rushed to fill her name out on 20 stupid little cards and put a sticker with each one and then close them with a little heart sticker. The whole time she was screaming MINE!!! Of course, I just wanted to crawl back into bed.
So I started to talk to her so I might distract her from what I was doing. This is when I told her that she needed to pick the person she loved most in the whole world and that was who her Valentine was going to be. I obviously assumed she was going to say “Mommy” since I was showering her with goodies. OH NO! That couldn’t happen, I couldn’t feel any love on that bitter morning. She said “J!” (J is my ex). I said, “Really A? He isn’t even going to see you today and he didn’t get you any presents and mommy worked hard to make this a good day for you.” Her response, “I don’t care, J!”
So off she went to daycare with me thinking not even my own daughter loved me on a day like this. So I got back and went for my run with K. It was freezing, I couldn’t breathe, and all I could think about was cheesecake. After about 2 miles we were back at my house and off to the store we went to fulfill my cheesecake needs.
This is when I found out that my other bestie B had been dumped…ON Valentine’s day! Who does that? I mean really…I know most guys don’t get stuff like that, but I thought every man was at least smart enough to wait and not do shit like that on a holiday, especially Valentine’s day. Other holidays might be explainable, but not on the one day a year that is about caring and loving. Care enough to not ruin the holiday for the rest of her damn life, I mean really.
Anyway, enough of that rant. I was feeling bad for the both of us at that point and ended up buying a cheesecake, chocolates, chocolate covered strawberries, and layered dessert cakes. Yea I know, eat my feelings, right?
So B came over, and neither of us could handle sitting and sulking anymore. We decided to say screw it and make the day good for ourselves. The best way to heal a soul is to go on a long drive to nowhere with your best friend, your ipod, and some smokes. So thats what we did. And we drove and talked and let out all of our cynicism and anger, and by the end of the drive we knew what we were going to do.
We stopped at a random little house with a “Psychic Readings” sign, and in we went. And yea we were both too scared to be the first one to go in and the woman opened the door like, hi, I knew you were there. At first I was freaked but then I was like, whatever, dumb broad heard us pull in.
So we asked what all they did there, and off we went to the bank. We both ended up getting full tarot card readings. I honestly thought it was going to be the biggest crock of shit ever. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I believe in that kind of thing, but I also believe it takes a special person to have that talent.
So during my reading, I got completely freaked out. She knew waaaaayyy more than I ever expected her to. She pretty much hit every nail right on the head. I felt very unnerved after the experience. I did feel like I knew what I needed to do to move on in my life, and I had reassurance that everything was going to be okay as long as I followed the right path.
So B and I talked all about our readings when we got back to the car and we were both spooked, but we wanted to know more. So what did we do, we went and bought our own cards. I think I may have found the perfect deck. I have always been drawn toward faeries and the fae and all of that and I found a deck of oracle cards. B got an animal druid deck.
So we went to my house, pigged out on all the food, and experimented with our cards. Again, creepy with the accuracy. I know it sounds so crazy to be all “New-Age-y” but one of my good friends M and I have always been really interested in that stuff. Most people have told me I have a very good energy for doing things like readings and all of that. Its insane the things I have come across just playing with my cards.
Anyway, we went and picked up A from school. I fixed dinner and we all hung out and had a good time. Then it was play time. After that came bath time. Right before A’s bedtime, J said she could call him and talk to him. I have never seen that little booger so excited. She just kept screaming his name and saying “I love you” and it was amazing to see her so happy, but depressing at the same time.
So after she went to bed, me and B pigged out again, and watched bad prime time TV that all had Valentine’s specials on. After curling up on the couch and being completely girly, we were pooped. B went home, and I went to bed and read a book until I fell asleep.
I woke up this morning and realized…Valentine’s day wasn’t that bad. I really didn’t feel like I needed to drop a napalm on the evil day. I spent all day doing things with my best friend and focusing on myself, and it was the most fun I had actually had in a long while. Surprising how when you just forget about everything but making yourself happy, you stop being miserable and actually end up happy.
Maybe that is a sign….
What to do…
For once in my life, I am having a completely uneventful day. I am not at all accustomed to this. I am not so sure that I can handle an entire day of this and still maintain my sanity.
So the big question is…What do I do? I can sit around and let my day be completely uneventful for the rest of the day as well, OR I can figure out something to do.
So far, these are the options that I have come up with…
(I am going to just go ahead and say anything that could actually be productive probably won’t happen because boredom has struck and it is too late for that now)
I could drive around town listening to music. This is always fun, and stress relieving. Plus, its always entertaining to see how many people make fun of your for singing like a fool at red lights. This is the typical go-to option for my boredom, but it is way more enjoyable when you have other people with you. If adding friends into the mix were an option, I am sure I would not be so bored out of my mind at this point in time.
The next option (which if isn’t done today with be done tomorrow) is to dress up like a super hero and drive around town fighting crime. Thank you One Tree Hill for giving me the most brilliant way ever to fight boredom. Again, this option is more fun with friends, and people might question my sanity if I do it alone. However, it would be highly entertaining to dress up as a super hero and run through my friends classroom…but this idea is probably better for another day.
The next option is to sleep. BORING.
I think that maybe I will go and get a giant art pad and some art supplies and start sketching today. Today seems like a good day to get back to what I know. It has been a long time since I have sat down and designed something. Hmmm…perhaps this is the key to fighting off my boredom.
I think the answer is clear, I need to drive to the store to get the supplies, singing obnoxiously the whole way. Then I will come home and dress up as a super hero as I fight my boredom by designing and sketching!
Boring day? Not in my life…
Oh my…
I underestimate situations far too often. I have waited a few days to even write about this event because I didn’t even know how to go about telling…
Superbowl Sunday…typically just a fun day to get together with friends, eat, drink, watch the game, and laugh at the commercials. I am typically good at keeping an eye on the game even if I am distracted. However, this year, I don’t know that I could tell you one thing that happened during the whole game. I also don’t think I could even tell you about one commercial. All I can honestly say I paid attention to on the television the whole time was the minute and a half that Usher was on for half-time.
What could have kept my attention away from the big game? D-R-A-M-A. I typically avoid drama at all cost, and really I was trying to. I ended up having to be a buffer between the group and a friend to try to defuse one situation, which ended up happening anyway while everyone pretended not to watch. That wasn’t too bad.
Somehow during the night though, my ass became “the douche’s” personal stress ball. It was not okay. Somehow through a serious of voided seat checks and outbursts I gave up my seat on the couch to avoid conflict. This is how I ended up sitting on the arm of the couch where my ass was in full view of the whole room, and how everyone was able to see him grabbing it very persistently even after my attempts to ask him to please stop.
Somehow through another series of events I ended up back on the couch, still next to “douche” and he honestly put his hand down as I sat, so blatantly that the entire room full of people saw, and made it so if I wanted to sit I had to sit on his hand, where again, he could grab my ass.
(I am going to take the time here to insert the fact that yes, I am a small girl, and my butt is not a bad feature of mine, but it is NOT good enough for all the attention it received during this night)
Eventually the person who had been sitting where I was sitting came back to reclaim their spot which put me back on the armrest. Before I even knew it “douche” was spilling a beer all over the guy who had taken his seat back. Then he proceeded to spill the beer in my purse and call me and another girl “bitches”.
Can I take the time to point out here that it was a man causing the drama at a football party? I swear he had to have been on his period. I thought if there were ever going to be a party with a complete lack of drama it would be football (aside from yelling at the TV and winning or losing the game of course). Apparently I was wrong.
Next this “douche” decided to try to fight one guy telling him to “punch him in the fist”. Who says that? I mean, punch me in the face or something, cool, I can work with that…but why in the world would I (or anyone else) ever attempt to punch someone in the fist. I am not going to try to start a fight playing an amped up game of bloody knuckles. Seriously, what are we, 10? Then this led to “douche” yelling about multiple people being pussies and somehow him waiting at the end of the driveway for a ride while holding someone’s thumb trying to break it.
Now you know why I don’t recall anything from the game. Literally, the guys were looking the OPPOSITE direction of the TV most of the time, which NEVER happens when sports are on.
Too bad for “douche” because some of the guys took his terrible towel that he had left and made that shit burn…
Anyway, the night only got more interesting from there. Of course, everyone made light of the situation with “douche” and it was a running joke all night. Actually, it still seems to be a running joke.
Somehow my night only got more interesting. I will not go into too much detail, because technically I am sworn to secrecy about some of it. (Sorry, but its the rules of the game)
I can say however, that there was men in man thongs, a hot tub, lots of people getting naked and running in the freezing cold, naked snow angels, the neighbor watching someone slide down the frozen slide naked, and way more information obtained about things than ever should have been revealed.
Who said Truth or Dare couldn’t be fun as an adult?…
All in all it was a very interesting night…
Unbelievable
I honestly don’t know how it happens, but most days, my life ends up being more crazy than some hollywood blockbuster movie. I have never been a big one for blogging, but someone has to write this shit down.
I could go back and blog about the last few years of my life and tell you how incredibly unbelievable it has all been, but it would take far too long to do something like that. Instead I will start with last Saturday. After telling this story to some friends they told me that I need to start blogging my life. I wasn’t sure, but I figure I can change some names and places, keep it anonymous, and the world can still laugh at the events and misfortunes that I encounter.
Having said that…one with the story…
So last Saturday I made some plans with my ex-boyfriend (who is still a good friend…a really good friend) to go to Hooters and the strip club with some of our friends. One of my friends works at the strip club, so we thought it would be a good time. So all week leading up to this event, it looked like I was going to be the only girl present at this outing. So my ex got the bright idea to invite other girls. I am sure any woman can sympathize and understand that any excitement I had been having… well, it was completely gone at that point. I still decided to go.
So Saturday night rolls around… and I was looking very hot. So I meet up with everyone, and found that two girls that I did like had been invited so it was going to be a good time. We got to Hooters and the drama began. My ex, we will call him Mike, sat at the complete opposite end of the table as me, and saved two seats for the random skeezy girls he had invited. As soon as those girls arrived, the drama began. I like to keep things classy. These girls were pure trashy. I mean they were ugly and pretending to be lesbians just to get attention. It was disgusting. I am not a cocky person, but I don’t have to act trashy to get attention, I get plenty of attention from men without being a skank.
Anyway, the girls were at war. I played the strong hand and sent Mike’s sister a text about the situation and she went off on him. Girls, write this down. Don’t mess with a girl who is still a part of his family even if they aren’t technically dating, we win every time.
Anyway, this is where the night got interesting. So we were off to the strip club sans skeez wads. They had to go home to take care of their kids. Anyway, it was me and Mike, his friend Michael, Josh, Tom, and Christina. We get to the strip club, and we have a plan.
Mike and Michael decided to pretend (they have done this previously at the same location) that they own an architecture firm. Josh was the intern, Mike and Michael the owners, Tom the IT guy, and Christina and I were secretaries. Of course, Mike decided to tell everyone that I was the lesbian secretary to see how I would handle it. Also, to keep me from playing the ex girlfriend card with all the strippers I am sure.
So the night progresses and people are actually believing the story. Mike got all of the girls to be all over me, which typically isn’t something I would be ok with, but we were drunk and pretending to be people we weren’t, and it was actually fun. But anyway, to make a very long story short, we got the shot girl to want to go home with both of us. It didn’t happen, but she did add me on facebook the next week…lol.
Anyway…so I had a great time at the strip club even though I was nervous about going. Now this is the part that people can’t make up.
We got back to town, and Mike and I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a snack. Well we didn’t end up getting food. Somehow we ended up with lube and a vibrating cock ring, at Wal-Mart, at 5 AM. The cashier wanted to be us as we checked out…lol.
So we get back to his house and start doing out thing. It was great, until the next morning. I woke up to his parents rummaging through his room to find his keys to his truck because they were supposed to borrow it that day. I was completely naked. I looked at the bedside table next to me only to find the lube and the cock ring fully visible (along with my naked body) and half of a McDonald’s hashbrown…lol.
After pretending to be asleep and waiting on them to leave, I woke him up. This is when we realized that I had the biggest hickey ever on my clit. I swear, it was the most painful thing ever. So the day progressed and I was in more and more pain. I then realized that I had an appointment for a pap smear for Monday morning. I was mortified.
So I did go to the doctor, and it was so bad that I had to reschedule my appointment, and I got advised to sit on an ice pack. Oh and the icing on the cake…I am allergic to latex and the cock ring was latex, so I had BURNS on my vagina, yes burns…
Moral of the story…keep it classy ladies…when you pretend to be a big lesbian skeez you end up with the most embarrassing story of your life…
Oh well, just another day in the life…
