Unbelievable
I honestly don’t know how it happens, but most days, my life ends up being more crazy than some hollywood blockbuster movie. I have never been a big one for blogging, but someone has to write this shit down.
I could go back and blog about the last few years of my life and tell you how incredibly unbelievable it has all been, but it would take far too long to do something like that. Instead I will start with last Saturday. After telling this story to some friends they told me that I need to start blogging my life. I wasn’t sure, but I figure I can change some names and places, keep it anonymous, and the world can still laugh at the events and misfortunes that I encounter.
Having said that…one with the story…
So last Saturday I made some plans with my ex-boyfriend (who is still a good friend…a really good friend) to go to Hooters and the strip club with some of our friends. One of my friends works at the strip club, so we thought it would be a good time. So all week leading up to this event, it looked like I was going to be the only girl present at this outing. So my ex got the bright idea to invite other girls. I am sure any woman can sympathize and understand that any excitement I had been having… well, it was completely gone at that point. I still decided to go.
So Saturday night rolls around… and I was looking very hot. So I meet up with everyone, and found that two girls that I did like had been invited so it was going to be a good time. We got to Hooters and the drama began. My ex, we will call him Mike, sat at the complete opposite end of the table as me, and saved two seats for the random skeezy girls he had invited. As soon as those girls arrived, the drama began. I like to keep things classy. These girls were pure trashy. I mean they were ugly and pretending to be lesbians just to get attention. It was disgusting. I am not a cocky person, but I don’t have to act trashy to get attention, I get plenty of attention from men without being a skank.
Anyway, the girls were at war. I played the strong hand and sent Mike’s sister a text about the situation and she went off on him. Girls, write this down. Don’t mess with a girl who is still a part of his family even if they aren’t technically dating, we win every time.
Anyway, this is where the night got interesting. So we were off to the strip club sans skeez wads. They had to go home to take care of their kids. Anyway, it was me and Mike, his friend Michael, Josh, Tom, and Christina. We get to the strip club, and we have a plan.
Mike and Michael decided to pretend (they have done this previously at the same location) that they own an architecture firm. Josh was the intern, Mike and Michael the owners, Tom the IT guy, and Christina and I were secretaries. Of course, Mike decided to tell everyone that I was the lesbian secretary to see how I would handle it. Also, to keep me from playing the ex girlfriend card with all the strippers I am sure.
So the night progresses and people are actually believing the story. Mike got all of the girls to be all over me, which typically isn’t something I would be ok with, but we were drunk and pretending to be people we weren’t, and it was actually fun. But anyway, to make a very long story short, we got the shot girl to want to go home with both of us. It didn’t happen, but she did add me on facebook the next week…lol.
Anyway…so I had a great time at the strip club even though I was nervous about going. Now this is the part that people can’t make up.
We got back to town, and Mike and I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a snack. Well we didn’t end up getting food. Somehow we ended up with lube and a vibrating cock ring, at Wal-Mart, at 5 AM. The cashier wanted to be us as we checked out…lol.
So we get back to his house and start doing out thing. It was great, until the next morning. I woke up to his parents rummaging through his room to find his keys to his truck because they were supposed to borrow it that day. I was completely naked. I looked at the bedside table next to me only to find the lube and the cock ring fully visible (along with my naked body) and half of a McDonald’s hashbrown…lol.
After pretending to be asleep and waiting on them to leave, I woke him up. This is when we realized that I had the biggest hickey ever on my clit. I swear, it was the most painful thing ever. So the day progressed and I was in more and more pain. I then realized that I had an appointment for a pap smear for Monday morning. I was mortified.
So I did go to the doctor, and it was so bad that I had to reschedule my appointment, and I got advised to sit on an ice pack. Oh and the icing on the cake…I am allergic to latex and the cock ring was latex, so I had BURNS on my vagina, yes burns…
Moral of the story…keep it classy ladies…when you pretend to be a big lesbian skeez you end up with the most embarrassing story of your life…
Oh well, just another day in the life…
